Halo 4 Will Visit Albion This Winter

KIRKLAND-Developer 343 Industries announced its plans to bring Master Chief to the world of Fable’s Albion. “We’re delighted to bring the world’s #1 FPS series to the realm of the classic Peter Molyneux franchise,” Duck Ellis said. “Expect generic NPC’s to scream John-117’s new title ‘Chicken Chaser Chief’ every five minutes as you chop wood with an energy sword.”

“All of the classic Fable mechanics will return,” Luke Snipe said. “Hilarious farting, bland morality choices and an economic system that hasn’t been Q/A tested.”

The vertical slice shown at the press event was impressive. Master Chief can choose between three focuses: melee, ranged covenant weapons, or the mysterious space magic. Like Fable III, combat is one button and easy enough for a toddler.

“One thing everyone enjoyed in Fable was the dog,” Frank O’Condor said. “Cortana will now fetch gold, give sentence-long enemy descriptions and provide one of the three female voices in the game.”

In addition, the origin’s of Fable II’s Master Chief armor will be revealed. “His mark-7 armor pretty much makes him the Juggernaut in Albion,” Duck Ellis revealed. “While this Halo is the fourth entry in the franchise, it also serves as the prequel to Fable II.”

LEAKED! Batman Arkham World Details

This holiday season, don't let Mr. Freeze stuff your stockings in Russia! Stop him in Rocksteady's Batman: Arkham World. Help Bruce Wayne defeat villains from around the globe, including Iran, Canada and North Korea! Using Google Map technology, guide Batman through the streets of that pale blue dot, Earth. Patrol the streets of Hong Kong, grab a bite to eat in Delhi, or clean up your block!

Arkham City was widely criticized for using large amounts of "bitch." Batman: Arkham World will up the ante by using that awful "C" word. That's right, cinematic! Experience the heart racing drama through multiple hour long cut scenes. You thought Metal Gear Solid had long codec conversations? Get ready for Oracle to talk your damn ears off!

• Tackle the lengthy five hour campaign! Unravel the secrets behind Clayface as President of the United States! Lower gas prices by liberating middle east oil sites!

• Day one DLC! Help Robin take down Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in this explosive piece of premium content. This incredible 30 minute mission takes you through Iran's facilities as a UN nuclear inspector! Think you have what it takes? Or will you MELTDOWN under pressure?

• Zip-line through the ancient Egyptian pyramids or hook-shot through the ruins of Chernobyl!

• The sinister Cobblepot has hired PMC companies! Counter-attack Blackwater members and other mercenaries through the new counter-terrorism system! The threat level is a permanent RED, will Batman take it down to ORANGE?

• More T and A! According to the ESA's 2011 research, 18% of game players are under the age of 18. Since the majority of gamers are teenage boys, we've decided to embrace this with more objectification! If you thought Harley Quinn was provocative in Arkham City, just WAIT until you see her new BIRTHDAY SUIT.

• Less Joker!

• Take the fight to Italy! Brave the Roman Colosseum against hordes of Two-Face soldiers. It's like Assassin’s Creed without that convoluted sci-fi bullshit! "Et tu, BATMAN?"

• Edward Nigma is at it again! Collect over one THOUSAND new trophies!

• Discover the hidden Playstation classic Batman and Robin game!  

• More throwaway Batman villains! Thwart the dastardly Sin Fang, Iron Hat Ferris and the Ventriloquist!

• Timed underwater escort missions! Poison Ivy is using North Korea's Kim Jong-un private water supply to grow vile plants! Help Catwoman by swimming through hours of randomly generated sewer levels.

Suda 51: "I've Officially Run Out of Psychedelics."

SUGINAMI-Goichi Suda of Grasshopper Manufacture today surprised journalists by making a series of shocking statements. “I’ve officially run out of psychedelics,” he said to a room of bewildered animal press members. “I need your help to finish Lollipop Chainsaw.”

When pressed on specifics, Suda smiled. “I ran out of my reserve supplies,” he said. “DMT, LSD, psilocybin mushrooms, all of these were critical to the creative process behind Grasshopper’s titles.”

Clucktaku chicken contributor Gallus Fowl asked Suda if the announcement would impact Lollipop Chainsaw’s development. “Enemy zombies are already led by a group of zombie rock and roll lords,” he said. “If you want Keith Richards visuals for that, you should make a few phone calls.”

When asked if the announcement was a result of poor Shadows of the Damned sales, Suda nodded. “I snuck a tab of LSD into the “M” rating on every game case,” he said. “It was extremely expensive. Just pick up a new copy, hold it on your tongue, wait thirty minutes, and get ready to understand Killer 7’s ending.”