E3 2012 Drinking Game

PLEASE drink responsibly, don't drink and drive.

Blizzard: Diablo 3 Will Feature Pay 2 Win

Activision Blizzard announced today it's plans to introduce a controversial system into Diablo 3: pay to win.

At a barnyard press conference, representative Micah Warbler decribed the new system. "Is a boss giving you too much trouble? Enter in your credit card information and see it explode with loot. Beating the Skeleton King in under 20 seconds too difficult? Pay $5 and the achievement is yours."

Micah Warbler: "Seriously, calm the fuck down."

Warbler claims the decision was based on other franchises. "We saw how Capcom handled their DLC and wanted to improve on that," Warbler chuckled. "Why waste time on balance when you can pay us to remove some of that hardship?"

Xbox Live Banning Marijuana Users

MICROSOFT--Director of programming Major Nightingale announced today a new bannable offense to Xbox Live: marijuana references.

"We feel that even mentioning the schedule 1 narcotic is detrimental to Microsoft's family friendly online community," Nightingale said. "Imagine all of those kids playing Black Ops and then trying it. Disgusting."

The new measures will monitor Xbox Live gamertags for any mention of the plant. If enough users report an individual (even mentioning the drug over microphone is enough), that account will receive a permanent ban.


Alcoholic community manager "400ozToFreedom" was pleased with the company's decision. "I'm so fucking sick of smokers," he said. "You might be high in the leaderboards, but you'll never be high on life."

When asked if the measures would ban over half of the Xbox Live Community, Nightingale laughed. "This inititiative is the result of community feedback and the Department of Justice," he said. "The last thing this world needs is another Tak Fujii ruining it for everyone online."

"Winners don't do drugs. Except for prescription medication, alcohol, and caffeine."

Halo 4 Will Visit Albion This Winter

KIRKLAND-Developer 343 Industries announced its plans to bring Master Chief to the world of Fable’s Albion. “We’re delighted to bring the world’s #1 FPS series to the realm of the classic Peter Molyneux franchise,” Duck Ellis said. “Expect generic NPC’s to scream John-117’s new title ‘Chicken Chaser Chief’ every five minutes as you chop wood with an energy sword.”

“All of the classic Fable mechanics will return,” Luke Snipe said. “Hilarious farting, bland morality choices and an economic system that hasn’t been Q/A tested.”

The vertical slice shown at the press event was impressive. Master Chief can choose between three focuses: melee, ranged covenant weapons, or the mysterious space magic. Like Fable III, combat is one button and easy enough for a toddler.

“One thing everyone enjoyed in Fable was the dog,” Frank O’Condor said. “Cortana will now fetch gold, give sentence-long enemy descriptions and provide one of the three female voices in the game.”

In addition, the origin’s of Fable II’s Master Chief armor will be revealed. “His mark-7 armor pretty much makes him the Juggernaut in Albion,” Duck Ellis revealed. “While this Halo is the fourth entry in the franchise, it also serves as the prequel to Fable II.”

LEAKED! Batman Arkham World Details

This holiday season, don't let Mr. Freeze stuff your stockings in Russia! Stop him in Rocksteady's Batman: Arkham World. Help Bruce Wayne defeat villains from around the globe, including Iran, Canada and North Korea! Using Google Map technology, guide Batman through the streets of that pale blue dot, Earth. Patrol the streets of Hong Kong, grab a bite to eat in Delhi, or clean up your block!

Arkham City was widely criticized for using large amounts of "bitch." Batman: Arkham World will up the ante by using that awful "C" word. That's right, cinematic! Experience the heart racing drama through multiple hour long cut scenes. You thought Metal Gear Solid had long codec conversations? Get ready for Oracle to talk your damn ears off!

• Tackle the lengthy five hour campaign! Unravel the secrets behind Clayface as President of the United States! Lower gas prices by liberating middle east oil sites!

• Day one DLC! Help Robin take down Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in this explosive piece of premium content. This incredible 30 minute mission takes you through Iran's facilities as a UN nuclear inspector! Think you have what it takes? Or will you MELTDOWN under pressure?

• Zip-line through the ancient Egyptian pyramids or hook-shot through the ruins of Chernobyl!

• The sinister Cobblepot has hired PMC companies! Counter-attack Blackwater members and other mercenaries through the new counter-terrorism system! The threat level is a permanent RED, will Batman take it down to ORANGE?

• More T and A! According to the ESA's 2011 research, 18% of game players are under the age of 18. Since the majority of gamers are teenage boys, we've decided to embrace this with more objectification! If you thought Harley Quinn was provocative in Arkham City, just WAIT until you see her new BIRTHDAY SUIT.

• Less Joker!

• Take the fight to Italy! Brave the Roman Colosseum against hordes of Two-Face soldiers. It's like Assassin’s Creed without that convoluted sci-fi bullshit! "Et tu, BATMAN?"

• Edward Nigma is at it again! Collect over one THOUSAND new trophies!

• Discover the hidden Playstation classic Batman and Robin game!  

• More throwaway Batman villains! Thwart the dastardly Sin Fang, Iron Hat Ferris and the Ventriloquist!

• Timed underwater escort missions! Poison Ivy is using North Korea's Kim Jong-un private water supply to grow vile plants! Help Catwoman by swimming through hours of randomly generated sewer levels.

Suda 51: "I've Officially Run Out of Psychedelics."

SUGINAMI-Goichi Suda of Grasshopper Manufacture today surprised journalists by making a series of shocking statements. “I’ve officially run out of psychedelics,” he said to a room of bewildered animal press members. “I need your help to finish Lollipop Chainsaw.”

When pressed on specifics, Suda smiled. “I ran out of my reserve supplies,” he said. “DMT, LSD, psilocybin mushrooms, all of these were critical to the creative process behind Grasshopper’s titles.”

Clucktaku chicken contributor Gallus Fowl asked Suda if the announcement would impact Lollipop Chainsaw’s development. “Enemy zombies are already led by a group of zombie rock and roll lords,” he said. “If you want Keith Richards visuals for that, you should make a few phone calls.”

When asked if the announcement was a result of poor Shadows of the Damned sales, Suda nodded. “I snuck a tab of LSD into the “M” rating on every game case,” he said. “It was extremely expensive. Just pick up a new copy, hold it on your tongue, wait thirty minutes, and get ready to understand Killer 7’s ending.”

Activision: "We Want That Double Fine Cash."

SANTA MONICA - “We’re pleased to announce Call of Duty Legends, a Kickstarter project dedicated to additional content,” Activision Publishing chief Eric Hirshberg said at an investor call yesterday. “Legends promises to deliver heart pounding action through the next evolution of an online pass.”

“We looked at all that fucking money Double Fine made and wondered how we could grab some of it,” said Activision CEO Bobby Kotick to the Videogame Pond earlier today. “Additional maps? More features than Elite? Just enter your goddamn credit card info and see what happens.”

Activision reports that “Legends,” will provide access to on disk content that normally would cost money to unlock. Content includes the multiplayer mode and game endings.

Kickstarter requires projects to require pledge rewards in order to incentivize people to fund it. As of today, the rewards are:

PLEDGE $30 OR MORE: Gain access to “Call of Duty Legends,” an online pass you can’t pick up at release. No content will be provided, but you will receive a COD: Legends T-Shirt for your Xbox Live Avatar.

PLEDGE $50 OR MORE: You get the on disk DLC maps day one through Call of Duty Legends. You also receive all previous reward tiers.

PLEDGE $100 OR MORE: Get a free Call of Duty Legends poster, featuring Captain Price giving you the bird. You also receive all previous reward tiers.

PLEDGE $500 OR MORE: Receive an IRL Call of Duty Legends T-shirt! You also receive all previous reward tiers.

PLEDGE $1,000 OR MORE: Have your name in the next installment’s credits under “gullible bastards!”

PLEDGE $5,000 OR MORE: Experience a limited thirty minute tour of Activision. You also receive all previous reward tiers.

PLEDGE $10,000 OR MORE: Experience a limited sixty minute tour of Activision, ending with Bobby Kotick shaking your hand and exclaiming,”You are one DUMB motherfucker!” You also receive all previous reward tiers, you 1% you!

Ninja Theory: New DmC: Less Gameplay, More Cutscenes

CAMBRIDGE - Developer Ninja Theory today announced its plans to dramatically cut the amount of gameplay in the new Devil May Cry title. “By redesigning Dante to be more mature, things had to change,” creative director Tameem Antoniade said. “The team decided on more quick time events, more cutscenes, and more Andy Serkis.”

 

When asked if Dante still looked like the creative director, Antoniade laughed. “Nobody wants to slay demons as a fucking grandpa,” he said. “Eating pizza? Smiling? This isn’t 2001.”



A video released last December revealed that the ranking system, a tradition for the franchise, was removed. “During QA testing, we found that people didn’t like grades that judged performance,” Antoniade said. “Instead, the vast majority wanted to mash buttons and help Dante uncover the mystery behind Limbo City.”

 

When asked if the prequel would play like other games in the genre, Antoniade chuckled. “We polled DMC fans and found that the majority wanted another DMC3,” he said.“That game was far too difficult, so we completely ignored them. I mean SIX different styles? Entitled gamers are clearly asking for too much.”